With Valentine’s Day approaching, I’ve been thinking a lot about love, attraction, and what it means to feel desirable in a fat body.
Yesterday, a client shared something that stayed with me: a previous boyfriend told her he was no longer attracted to her after she’d gained weight. It’s a story I’ve heard in many forms- through therapy sessions, workshops, books, and conversations within fat activist spaces. It echoes the work of countless fat creators who are actively reclaiming fat love, fat desire, and fat joy in a world that insists on shrinking us.
Our culture teaches us a very narrow story about attraction: who is allowed to be desired, who is worthy of romantic attention, and whose bodies are framed as “acceptable.” These messages are deeply entangled with unrealistic beauty standards, anti-fatness, racism, capitalism, misogyny, and a multi-billion-dollar industry that profits from convincing us we are not enough.
Fat bodies, in particular, get pulled into a cruel double bind: We’re vilified, shamed, and dehumanized on one hand, and fetishized, objectified, and consumed on the other. Neither scenario is based on love nor leads to liberation.
Recently, I’ve also heard more conversations about how GLP-1 medications and weight loss can impact relationships. Some people report partners becoming more conventionally desirable and suddenly receiving more attention. Others describe shifting power dynamics, insecurity, grief, or unexpected strain as bodies- and the way society responds to them- change. These stories highlight something important: it’s not just our bodies that change. It’s how we’re seen, treated, pursued, ignored, and valued. And that can hurt.
I can relate. I’ve spent much of my life wrestling with my own relationship to attractiveness in a fat body. I’ve noticed how differently I’ve been treated at different sizes- how visibility, desirability, and social permission seem to fluctuate based on how closely I aligned with dominant beauty standards at any given time.
There’s a strange and painful complexity there. I don’t miss the catcalls or the unwanted sexual attention I received when I was younger and smaller. And yet, if I’m honest, there are moments when I notice a sense of loss- not for the harassment itself, but for the feeling of being seen as desirable in a world that so often withholds that recognition from fat people. It can feel twisted to hold both truths at once: Relief and grief. Safety and invisibility. Power and vulnerability.
It reminds me that visibility often comes with a price. Fat people are frequently forced to choose between being hyper-visible and oversexualized- treated like a target- or being rendered invisible, unwanted, or unwelcome simply for existing in public space. Neither should be the cost of having a body.
And still, love is possible. Pleasure is possible. Romance is possible. I’m in a long-term, committed relationship where we navigate the challenges of being in fat bodies in an anti-fat world- and we also experience fat joy, fat intimacy, fat attraction, and fat romance. Our bodies are not obstacles to love. They are sites of connection, desire, comfort, and celebration.
This Valentine’s season, as we are bombarded with constant reminders of love and prompts on how to love, my hope is that we keep expanding the story of who gets to be seen as desirable- and by whom. That we challenge the idea that attraction must follow oppressive rules. That we make more room for love that isn’t conditional on shrinking, apologizing, or disappearing.
You deserve love that does not require you to become smaller. You deserve attraction that isn’t a performance or a punishment. You deserve pleasure, tenderness, and connection- exactly as you are.
If you want to explore more about fat bodies, dating, desirability, and reclaiming pleasure:
- Sofie Hagen- Will I Ever Have Sex Again?
A candid exploration of trauma, body image, and the quest for self-acceptance.
- Kate Manne- Unshrinking: How to Face Fatphobia
A feminist examination of fatphobia, punishment, and who society deems worthy of love and respect.
- Lindy West- Shrill
Memoir and cultural critique on fatness, sex, harassment, dating, and self-worth. Also a hit Hulu series starring Aidy Bryant that I highly recommend!
- Talia Hibbert, Julie Murphy & Olivia Dade
Fat-positive romance novels that center fat protagonists as desired, loved, and sexually confident.
